So, it is almost Valentine’s Day. Looking for that special someone?
Good Luck. Through extensive research in the most reliable source available on the subject, namely the internet, I have uncovered a wealth of hints, locations and other valuable information which can help you, yes, you out there reading this column. So, PAY ATTENTION, find that perfect mate.
Let’s start first with where to look. Don’t look in the house next door. Bad idea, especially if the he or she who lives there happens to be married.
If it is a he or she married to the equivalent of a 600 pound gorilla, this can be especially bad. Also, don’t look in the local bar, especially after you have had a few too many.
It is a known fact that alcohol has magical powers that can transform the most hideous witch or warlock into Cindy Crawford or Mel Gibson on any given night.
Unfortunately, that magic only lasts for about 12 hours before it disappears. In the morning, the Budweiser potion wears off, and you may wake up next to that 600 pound gorilla wondering what happened.
Also, be wary of asking your mother, aunt or grandmother, especially when they say the he/she you are about to embark on a blind date with has “a wonderful personality.”
If you are really looking for that perfect mate, it is simple actually. Lisa Daily, who has apparently done extensive research herself, enough to fill up a book on the subject aptly titled The Best Place to Meet the Guy or Girl of Your Dreams, knows all the best places.
For example, women, head for the driving range and outdoor music and food festivals, she advises. Guys, head for the shoe store and the local book store. Now, if that is true, however, won’t the single guys all wind up looking at shoes and books and the women wind up playing golf and eating? Shouldn’t that be just the opposite? But, what do I know? I am just a newly invented expert.
Anyway, both sexes, she adds, can head for mutually beneficial areas, also, such as company parties, group vacations in Mexico, college classes, or even outdoor activities for those more active singles, such as biking, rafting and skiing.
Or, if you are really desperate, turn to the internet, the most reliable source for future wives and husbands, according to internet sources.
You can find that Russian bride you have been looking for all your life, for example. Of course, it may mean a cost of 10 million rubles and a trip to Siberia, but isn’t it worth it in the end?
Imagine finally hooking up with Vlastov, the girl (or is that a guy’s name) of your dreams? Just send all your credit card information, your social security number, date of birth, etc. and before you know it, you will be married!
By the way there are over 10,000 internet sites devoted exclusively to hooking you up! How can they go wrong?
Just send your vital statistics with only a minimum of fudging. Okay, you may not look exactly like Mel Gibson or Halle Berry, but if you turn this way and take a photo with this lens it could be close, all things considered.
And, really, what is the difference between six feet and five foot eight inches when you come right down to it? Who’s going to notice? And those few extra pounds? Hey, big deal. So, you are 175 instead of 165. You can always jump into one of those fast diet programs before you actually meet. And that felony you were charged with? It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to include that in the personal information.
And wouldn’t it be perfect if you could time that meeting for Valentine’s Day?
A few interesting stats on that special day might be in order also… Did you know that three quarters of the people who buy flowers for the day are men, and that 15 percent of all U. S. women send themselves flowers?
And, are you having trouble picking out a card? That is no surprise. Hallmark, for example, makes over 1,300 different cards for the occasion. No wonder we have trouble! Over a billion cards will go out for Valentine’s Day.
And chocolate? How about an estimated 36 million boxes for this special day, according to the Chocolate Manufacturers’ Association?
So, are chocolates, cards and flowers the way to get the attention of that guy/girl you are interested in? Maybe.
If not, start hunting again. According to another internet source, women’s forum.com, the best place is a friend’s house. After that, in order, try school, work, party, activities, bar, sports, a chat room or shopping. Or, as one source suggested, the grocery store or Home Depot.
Maybe you will run into someone with a nice personality.
The above is an excerpt from the book Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sanity… by Dick Martin, a Glocester resident, former Burrillville High School teacher and contributor for NRI NOW.
Martin can be contacted at [email protected].
