The book’s title is The Book of Secrets. Now, that in itself should have been a dead giveaway, but I reached for it anyway, one of many found in my mother’s bookcase.
The Book of Secrets, I mumbled to myself. I stowed it under my arm and took it to a safe place to read. No doubt it contained many well, er, SECRETS! But a book of them, and published, no less. In fact, it was in its fourth printing!
But, how could they be secrets if they have been published in a book? Maybe they were secrets before and have been revealed, made available to the wise reader, who, spotting such a book on a shelf, availed himself of it and now, you guessed it! KNOWS ALL THE SECRETS!
Okay, whatever. I opened the hard cover and started looking for answers. Surely, this was a place where one could discover where bellybutton lint comes from, what happens to old Playdoh, where socks go in washing machines, where Jimmy Hoffa was buried, what a rutabaga is… all kind of mysteries could be unraveling inside these covers.
I flipped. Page 195. How to reduce stress at your desk. Hmmm – this might contain something for my editor here. No less than seven solutions were listed. Things like “Make certain that your chair is comfortable,” “Quiet your telephone’s ring,” “Alter the lighting to reduce glare,” “adopt at least a partial closed-door policy.”
Wait a minute. Basically, this says to shut off the lights, find a comfortable chair, close your door, and turn off the phone. No secret there. If you do all of that, plus, (and I am quoting this verbatim) “establish a regular time for meals, especially lunch,” this would definitely reduce stress.
In other words, lock yourself in your office, don’t answer the phone or the door and eat lunch every day. I wonder if this guy wound up writing this book because he lost his job?
Next, flip some more pages. Page 229. All About Happiness. We can all use some of that no doubt. Let’s see, “Drop your bucket where you are.” Really, that’s what it says, among other things. What the heck does that mean? Lunch bucket, meal bucket, water bucket, worm bucket, fish bucket? What?
One of the secrets to happiness is dropping your bucket where you are. How about solving the secret of the bucket first? It also advises not wearing too many hats. Is that at once? Over the course of a week? What?
Flip over the page. Benefits of a personal philosophy. Okay, let’s see here… this suggests ways of meeting problems on a day to day basis. If you have a philosophy, it states, that philosophy can accomplish many goals, including providing a guideline for living.
My uncle had his own philosophy. Wake up, fish, drink, eat lunch, fish, eat supper, go to bed. That means he must have known the secret because he lived a long time.
The second note in the book also made sense: a personal philosophy, to work right, “sounds an alarm when one’s behavior is inconsistent with one’s beliefs.”
Translated, that means, when someone suggested to my uncle that he should get a part-time job, his rightful response should be “Go to blazes!” or some similar place where large amounts of heat might be found.
But, what is the secret here, I wondered. I knew other people also, including an old-timer whose philosophy included downing a shot of brandy every morning and every night.
Kept him going well over 100. He never missed a day, it seemed. I guess that would tie in with the last edict of the benefits: “It requires one’s full commitment.”
Flip some more pages. Fishing! Yes! I always did want to know the secrets of catching the big one! How to reel in a lunker, how to make that long cast in a narrow alley and hit the spot every time, like Russ Burlingame can? How to snag a prize bass, net a record pike? What’s the secret?
Forget it. Apparently, the guy who wrote this didn’t know either. And of the four listed, only three were correct! I knew that, for crying out loud!
Flip some pages. Warning signs burglars fear. Ready for this one? To keep burglars away, put up some signs. Here are the suggestions, or the “secret” ways of scaring off burglars. I hope police chiefs in the area are reading this so they can pass this “secret” information on to residents to make them feel safer: “Danger: Extremely vicious, barkless German Dobermans,” or how about “Attack dogs trained and sold here,” or my favorite: “Please do not enter through this door. My son’s three rattlesnakes have gotten out of the cage, and we’ve closed them off in this room until he returns. Sorry for this inconvenience.”
The only secret is the idiot who wrote this doesn’t have a clue, if you ask me. Why not just put up this sign: “I read a really stupid book that told me what to do if burglars appear here. Beware, I’m an idiot and I know how to use it.”
Flip some more pages. These pages were about wines, how to choose them, etc. But, all they did was list wines, not tell how to choose them. Reminds me of that old saying about “give a man a fish and you feed him once; teach him to fish and you feed him forever.” Wait, here is a section on curing hangovers, something my friends could probably use.
“Retard the absorption of alcohol by eating before and during drinking,” “use water as a mixer,” “the only cure is rest, aspirin and time.” So, give me a secret here!
That wasn’t the last straw, however. This was the best: “The endless list of other remedies—ranging from cucumber juice and salt to a Bloody Mary—have more to do with drinking mythology than with medical fact.”
What? No secret remedy to a hangover? You have got to be kidding! I have several of my own, which I use to help my friends with of course. Not that I would ever need a cure.
I closed the book. No wonder it was left on the shelf. The only secret is how did this guy get anyone to buy this book?
Maybe I should write a book myself. I could call it the Book of Real Secrets. When people get it home, break the plastic seal and open it up, they would find blank pages. P.T. Barnum would understand.
